Luckily these moments are a distant memory for me now, but these negative thoughts and feelings of not being able to cope, feeling like the outside, struggling with jealousy issues and feel lost and confused in my role will always be remembered.

I so often see stepmum's in my facebook group asking 'When do you know when to leave your partner?', so I thought I would share some questions to ask yourself, to see if you should stay or go.

I never believe we should force anyone leave their relationship unless there is serious abuse, it really has to be a personal choice.

Studies do show that relationships with kids from a previous relationship have a higher failure rate, so I think it is important to know it isn't necessarily about us.

I would wonder what the hell was wrong with me. Am I weak? Am I unlovable? Am I broken? Am I not meant to ever be in a relationship? Am I destined to live a life on my lonesome, with an army of cats for company?

So if you are reading this and in one of those moments where you are figuring out who you can go stay with to get yourself out of the nightmare you are living in, stop for a moment and take a few big deep breaths and ask yourself these questions!

This is the first thought that popped into my mind every time I was struggling. If I end this relationship with a man who I absolutely adore, how would I feel? Relieved? Heartbroken? Like I had done the wrong or right thing?

If clients are ever wondering whether they should leave their partner, this is a question I will ask them.

A little voice inside of me always would say ‘you will regret this’. I always choose to listen to my intuition. We have it for a reason!

Through all the tough times, there was always something inside of me telling me not to walk away.

I am so glad I chose to listen, as now I do feel I am on the other side and able to cope with most things without having a meltdown. 

I said this to myself so many times, and it saved me I the moments where I was planning to emigrate to Canada so start my life again!

If you feel like you will regret not working a little harder on your inner world, maybe that means you shouldn’t give up?

That leads me onto the next questions I asked myself!

Am I ready to take 100% responsibility for myself and anything I may be doing to contribute to my stepfamily stressors?

I knew that my circumstances weren’t going to change, so the other only option was for me to change. I knew I loved James so much and that we were meant to be together. I had been engaged before and was wise enough to walk away before we got married. I knew I had made the right decision by marrying James.

A wise stepmum friend who had been in the ‘game’ for 10 years said to me that the process would be tough, but it would be worth it. She said it would be a blessing to my own personal growth and healing.

I was angry at her at first, but now I see she was so right!

I was petrified at looking at my inner wounds and past trauma that was triggering me in my present role as a stepmum.

Initially, I was scared to change. It was easier to blame others.

But I am so glad I made that mental leap and begun to do the work, as I am now so far past that point that it honestly feels like another lifetime.

The reason you are suffering is not only to do with your external circumstances. Sometimes they are things from our past that impact how we react or deal to stepfamily situations.

If you decide to change your thoughts and your mindset, what you can control, set boundaries, say no where you need to and put your wellbeing as a priority, your stepfamily life will begin to change too.

For me, this was really hard to take. 

Being a stepmum does require some sacrifice and a lot of compromise.

There will be a grieving process.

I would compare myself to my friends who weren’t in a relationship with a man with kids and felt so jealous that they had their man all to themselves!

The honest truth is that, even if your partner adores you and tries to make you his priority, there are going to be times when you can’t simply be the number one.

I also had to accept that birthdays, Christmases and any other special occasion are going to be that extra little bit complicated. Although I will always try to live my life as ‘normally’ as possible, my life can and will sometimes be dictated by a custody schedule.

For a long time, I failed to accept the situation I was living in and put up my barriers to what was going on and how I was feeling. I wanted to control and change everything!

As a stepmum, there are going to be some things we have to accept, and other things where we have to know our worth and set boundaries.

It can be a tricky balance I know!

I decided to accept that I was in fact a stepmum and it wasn’t a bad thing in the slightest, no matter what society has conditioned us to believe. Maybe you have to work on your beliefs too?

I then begun to relax into my role, accept and find peace in where I was right now in the present moment, whilst deciding to get excited about my future and deliberately creating one that I wanted to live.

If you are suffering right now or feeling like you are at a dead end in your stepfamily, please remember you can do this!

I believe most situations can change and that nothing is hopeless.

Sometimes these roadblocks are actually the lessons we need.

If you would like to move past your relationship struggles so you can find happiness and peace again, please book in for an initial 1:1 session with me.

These can be taken either with or without your partner, and are discounted on my usual hourly rate for new clients.

With love
Charlotte xo