Blog: How to Overcome Burnout as a Stepmum

stepmum support blog

How to Overcome Burnout as a Stepmum

Written by Charlotte Gough

Stepmum burnout is very common as stepmum's are much more likely to suffer with stress, anxiety and depression than biological mum's.

So if you are suffering with burnout or have done in the past, remind yourself you are NORMAL.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are just a normal woman experiencing the highs and lows that come with being a stepmother, and studies have shown that the set up of families makes stepmum's more likely to suffer with their mental health than biological mum's.

I always wonder why do stepmum's suffer with more stress and anxiety than biological mum's?

Stepmum's tend to be quite strong women. We have to be to cope with all the stress that comes along with being a stepmum!

We don't need to just be strong emotionally, but also strong in heart.

I have found you need a very big, open and loving heart to be a stepmum. It really is going to trigger you in lots of ways and bring out the worst and best in you.

Some reasons stepmum's suffer with so much stress is:

We may be unsure of our place in our family, which can lead to low self-esteem and anxiety.
We are damned if we do or not, unsure whether to step in or step back, how much to love, discipline or let things go.
It can be lonely and isolating and you may be scared of speaking up for fear of being the evil stepmother.
There is usually no where to go if you are struggling, which can add to isolation. You may be told 'you know what you were getting into'.
There are external forces outside of our home, determined to paint us as the bad person in many circumstances such as societies views on stepmothers or an ex who may not want to accept the stepmum.
Partners may not understand how difficult it is to be a stepmum or how stepfamilies work differently to first families. A stepmum may feel like the outsider or not a priority in her own life.

Along with work and other life commitments, life can feel very overwhelming as a stepmum tries to juggle multiple plates and stressors, and you may not even realise you are heading for burnout until it is too late, which is what happened in my case!

So what are the warning signs you should be looking out for?

If you are feeling OVERWHELMED, FRUSTRATED, TIRED, INSIGNIFICANT or NOT ACCEPTED in your own home, you know you are on a path you don't want to go down, and something needs to change.

Although these are very normal feelings in stepfamily life, they still aren't pleasant. You may try even harder at this point to feel accepted and liked, which then leads to more resentment and stress when your hard work is unappreciated in your own home.

If you keep pushing past this stage, you may then start to feel USED, EXHAUSTED and INVISIBLE in your own home.

If you are at this stage, you may feel like the cook and cleaner rather than a wife, stepmum and human being in your own home. You may have taken on the duties a biological parent should do, and be giving way more than you are getting back from your stepkids.

If you are feeling RESENTMENT and wishing you never met a man with kids, then you need to start STEPPING BACK and letting your partner do the parent duties.

Remember his kids are his responsibility, and are not technically or legally yours, which is a harsh reality.

If you don't step back at this point and focus on your own well-being, you could lead yourself to full blown stepmum burnout which will take longer to recover from.

This is when you are left completely exhausted, empty, low, even depressed and are screaming at your partner you want to leave him or want a divorce.

You may have lost yourself, contact with friends and family, unable to prioritise your own needs or well-being and generally wondering who the hell you are.

You may be crying a lot, shouting at your stepkids and wishing they didn't exist and looking back thinking how did this get so bad?

So this all sounds VERY depressing I know. But the good news is that I have suffered with stepmum burnout, and I was able to come back from it, bigger, bolder and brighter than before.

If I can, you can too!!

1) THE FIRST STEP IS REALISING YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

You are NOT a failure, weak or unable to cope with life. Stepmum life is hard and the emotions and feelings are enough to send a sane person mad.

Please be kind to yourself and know this is your chance now to focus on you. Your feelings and emotions are very normal. You are in no way in the wrong here.

2) STEP BACK AND LET YOUR PARTNER PARENT HIS KIDS!!!

I am putting this in capital letters and making this very clear now! If you are resentful, burnout and stressed, please please please take a step back. You do not need to do everything you are doing right now if you are hating you husband and stepkids for it?

A stepmum is not a servant to her stepkids. A stepmum is exactly what the word 'step' indicates and she steps in or steps back.

Sometimes you do need to step up and help out, but also you are entitled to step back too if you need a break.

Just as a biological mum is entitled to a break, or can ask for help.

So can you.

It isn't good for you to be doing all the cooking, cleaning and general household motherly duties, but feeling resentful for it.

If you are burnout out, you know you are doing too much and something needs to give.

Be kind on yourself and prioritise yourself, just as a biological mum would.

3) PUT YOURSELF FIRST

If you are burnout, it is more than likely that you have forgotten everything you love, as well as doing too much for others.

You might not have seen friends in months, you may keep forgetting to call your own parents and you might not have done one bit of self-care in weeks.

This is a time where you need to take a few days and completely DETOX your mind, body and soul.

Take time off social media, eat healthy and fresh foods, do lots of meditation, walks in nature, Yoga or whatever exercise feels you up with JOY.

Let go of any guilt that you are being selfish. It is vital for your stepfamilies health, that you put your own health first.

Think of what example you want to set for your stepkids too? Do you want to teach them to prioritise their own needs or to put others happiness before their own?

By filling your own cup first, you are not only setting a good example to your family, but also you are going to be much healthier and happier in the long run.

It really is a win win for you all!

4) THINK OF WHAT YOU LOVE OR WANT TO ACHIEVE IN THIS LIFE

One reason people become burnout is that their lives feel empty with no meaning.

You may be doing a job you hate Monday to Friday and then have your stepkids at weekends.

No wonder you are going to feel unhappy, stressed and burnt out.

It is almost like your soul is being destroyed from all levels. If this is you, then burnout is a blessing for you to go deeper within and listen to your heart.

What passions do you have that you are not exploring?

What dreams do you have for your life?

What is your purpose here on earth?

What would you like to have looked back on your life and achieved?

Who do you want to be?

YOU ARE NOT JUST A STEPMUM.....

Remember you can be whoever you want to be. You may have forgotten yourself and put your needs at the bottom of the pile, but that can change from today if you choose it too.

This is your reminder to fill your cup up first before you give today.

With love
Charlotte xo